Step Inside with me
Written by: Barbara
At some point in our lives we have all stared into a prism, amazed by the array of colors, one disappearing into the other, flowing into each other beautifully, every time no matter which way you turn it. But have you ever stopped and wondered what it looks like from the inside?
Now, imagine standing on the inside of that prism, looking out, seeing the people looking in, and they have no idea that you are trapped here. That the colors are not the same from where you stand, and you knock on the wall, but no one hears, they only see the colors they are looking at. And that’s okay, because you don’t understand the world out there, and they don’t understand what you see from your world either. And so, when they turn that prism, the colors begin to dance in their own way, and you spin with them, without a care in the world.
Welcome to the Spectrum my friends.
The Spectrum is not just colors.
It is Sound, so sharp and piercing; echoing inside your head when those around you barely hear it. The chatter in the room, the voices crashing midair, all talking at once, you can’t hear what they are saying. So many, from all directions closing in on your vision, and your world going dark inside.
It is Emotions, when others think you should be happy at your surprise birthday party, and everyone has eyes pointed at you, their clapping and laughing, and you don’t understand as your body tenses, you don’t know why everyone is staring at you, saying your name, and you spiral into your own world, shutting them out, looking for your inner peace.
It is the proper order of all things in the universe. The random shaped M & M jumping out of an otherwise perfect bowl, The magazines tossed on the table with corners sticking out everywhere, your brain struggling to make it right, you can’t be at ease until it is set properly. The food on your plate that you are not going to eat, get it off. A zipper is made to be zipped, at all times, at all cost. The cars, they go in a row, not an inch off center, perfect, one is moved. Spiraling, sensory overload, make it make sense.
It is the lights. They’re moving, they’re bright, they are drawing you in. Pulling you into the darkness that surrounds them, make it stop, it’s confusing, your brain circling, dancing with the lights, your off center, must get centered..
The Outside-Stimming…
Must get centered. The hands flapping uncontrollably, on their own, focus. The spinning, around and around, the world is fading, a blur in the distance. The random squealing, a voice from within, it is louder than the ones around you, you can’t hear the clashing in the air anymore. The repeated tapping of an object, tap, tap, tap. The rhythm it’s here, your world found the order as its supposed to be.
Zero in, shut the world out around you. Focus, find the balance in the chaos, fix it. Retreat within yourself. Nothing else matters, spin, spin, the world around you goes numb, it fades in the distance, there is order. There is peace. There is calm.
Can’t you Control Your Child?
I wish I could count the times I have heard this one. And the answer goes back to my childhood when “The Incredible Hulk” was a big hit. “You wouldn’t like them very much”…Have you ever attempted to control a child with Autism when they are literally trying to gain control of themselves? It isn’t pretty.
The Spiral
The Yelling, screaming let me focus without forming the words, The spitting, this person is in your face saying things, you can’t hear them, go away. The throwing objects, the chair, the desk, anything within reach, if you reach with physical force, they will leave, you will center, your world will be yours again. The cursing, I hate you, Die; they will retreat, they are still talking, words you don’t hear, the lights are spinning, they’re in the distance, calling your name, you don’t know where they are at. Falling, you have no control left in your world, there’s two now, maybe three, you’re eyes are heavy, your exhausted..Sleep.
The World Looks a little different in here.
It does. But if you stay long enough, it begins to make sense.
The people in your world were watching, they were listening to your silent cries, they try to see from the inside of the prism.
What they do
The headphones, always in the bag, they are noise cancelling. The sounds aren’t so loud in here anymore. The people, their voices no longer crashing, they are in the distance.
Your mom, she says its your birthday everyday, all week. She tells you that there is a bunch of people, and balloons, and bubbles, you like bubbles. In the morning, you wake up, she says birthday today. She says after breakfast, birthday in 4 hours. All day, then in 5 minutes, people, bubbles. They’re eyes are looking you, they want to see bubbles, so do you. We are together now.
Your Zipper, it can be zipped. It’s not that hot outside. Your cars, they have a space. They are all neatly in a row in their space just for them. Just like your shoes, and your stuffed animals. Your allowed to use your words, you can say you don’t want to eat that, and it doesn’t go on your plate.
The mask, it is in your moms bag too. You can put the mask on and the lights go away. They don’t dance around, they are still there, just not screaming at you anymore.
There is a chair, it spins. You can spin all day, it has its place. Mom puts it in the quiet space. It is yours. Nobody bothers you while you are there. Sometimes when your out, you can use your words. You need a break, you need a quiet space, and Mom will find one.
She is learning, you are learning. We learn together.
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Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, therapist, or Autism specialist. Everything shared in this section is based on our family’s personal experiences, opinions, successes, failures, and lessons learned along the way. Every child and family is different, and what worked for us may not work for everyone.
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